Trusting without Understanding...

Bible study ended last week with - "Questions you have for God.".  Hmm...  Questions, really ?  Why is this one so difficult for me ?  I don't have any questions I can think of.

I mean, God is God and if He says it's going to be this way well, then it's the way it is.

I am a play by the rules girl.  Rules have a reason behind them.  Rules create order.  I don't always like the rules and if that is the case well then, I just won't play if I don't have to.  Or I will find a way to be the person who makes the rules.  To question is not in my nature. 

My week went on and the "question" began to nag at me a bit.  Who am I to question ?  What do I really not understand ?  Do I really not have a question ?  Why is this still on my mind ?

I belong to a Mom's (Mothers of Miracle's) group.  There are 30 + of us from all over the United States and all of us are Mom's of children who have suffered traumatic brain injury (TBI).  The children vary - some still have yet to awaken, some in the early stages of awakening, most in some form of rehabilitation therapies, and a few who have graduated beyond therapy.  One child this week went back to ICU suffering with fevers.  One child had a seizure this week.  One child went in for shunt revision.  One child is fighting off multiple seizures.  Some children have yet to speak.  Some children are wheelchair bound.  Another child returned to mainstream school.  My child is 51 days seizure free.  My child is now married and has two children of her own.  My child walks, talks, sings, laughs, and hugs me.  My child defied all the odds.

Why tell you all of this.  Because it led me to my question.  "Father God, why are some children still waiting on a miracle ?  I don't understand the point of that kind of suffering.".  God, being the God that He says He is gave me an answer but it was not the answer I expected.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”  declares the LORD.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.
¹⁰ As the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish,
   so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:   It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."   

Isaiah 55 : 8 - 11

How is it possible that those children and the many others that are suffering are not healed in this moment?  My ways are not His ways.  I do not understand the why of some things here on earth and I never will.  His ways are higher than my ways.   

The answer to my question was not why.  The answer to my question was that God is who He says He is - even when I don't understand. 

Goofy Grandchildren !

Ethan

Jewel

Happy 22nd Birthday Girly Girl !

Happy 3 rd Birthday !

It's been a while...

Forgiveness

This journey on the earth so far has taught me that I still have so much to learn.  As I read the news, facebook, and just other random things I realize that God thinking is so different from the thinking of this world.  God operates in forgiveness and we, well we fail miserably at it most of the time.  God isn't offended to the point of rage by the careless little things we say.  He doesn't keep a checklist of our mistakes and write us off when we make one too many mistakes.  He doesn't walk away when we aren't listening.  He doesn't even see our failures the same way we do.  As a matter of fact, when we fail it's an opportunity for Him to step in and really mold us to be what He desires us to be.  We face challenges in our lives with fear and He sees the challenge as a chance to love us through it.  We make mistakes, He bails us out, and sometimes we just keep making that same mistake over and over again.  He never leaves us in it.  Even though we may suffer the consequences of our mistakes - He is right there with us in the midst of those consequences.  If we are lost, he seeks us continuously.  He doesn't ever give up, EVER.  Even when we are too blind to see and unwilling to listen - He is there, patiently waiting.  He doesn't make us come to Him, He comes to us.  Wouldn't the world be such a different place if we ruled the world with God thinking, instead of our thinking...

It's a card making fest...

My Saturday Adventures consisted of card making.  I needed to get a birthday card, a graduation card, 2 father's day cards, and one just because card done.  This first card is the graduation card.  It's hard to see in the picture but the red is a kind of speckled paper and has a nice texture to it.

This is the design for the father's day cards.  The colors didn't come out very good on these photos for some reason.  Could it be that I really shouldn't hold the camera because I can't hold it still ?  Probably...  I made this more for my dad who will appreciate the wheels and gears.  I absolutely love the gears stamp - it will make a nice background for lots of things.  It's a rather funky design - love it !

Mother's Day Cardmaking

So this Mother's Day I decided to try something a little different.  I saw these really cute paper layered flower medallion's on a website and thought - I can make that.  I was pretty happy with the look of the flower but not so much with the height of the flower.  It pretty much makes putting the card in an envelope nearly impossible.  I think I needed to choose a different color brown for the saying or maybe I needed to change the look of the music by printing it off in brown ?  All in all - it was a pretty good card. 

Not my way...

I find myself thinking that my way and in my time is best.  How wrong I am, but almost always it has to be pointed out to me some way.  Gods ways are not my ways - that is a good thing.  He is consistent and I am not.  He is wise and see's beyond today - I do not.  He weighs the good of everything against eternity - I measure the good in the moment.  How blessed we are to have a God who speaks only truth - who gives only good things - and who paitently waits for the right time and place for all things.

Just move through it...

I didn't expect the emotion to flood like it did.  It was just television.  Yet, there I was just as if I had gotten the phone call again.  Perhaps it was because I was tired.  Maybe it was the graphic pictures.  It could have been the unexpected pictures. 

My body shook with the knowledge of it.  My throat clenched tight, the tears fell like water out of a faucet, my heart raced, and my mind was there again.  Present - seeing her, smelling the antiseptic, hearing the noise of the machines...

"It's OK.  I took care of her.", he says in a whisper to me.

"Yes.  Yes.  Oh thank you Father.  Thank you.", my mind replies as the sobs begin to ease.

As I watched Gray's Anatomy tonight I had and unexpected visit from a memory tucked away.  A little over 5 years ago my youngest daughter suffered serious injuries in a car accident.  2 of her friends also were seriously injured.  It's been 5 years and life has gone on.  Her friends have recovered physically.  She, however, is in a constant state of recovery.  TBI.  Yes, it's that word you have heard on the news lately, it seems to be the topic of many TV shows at the moment also.  Traumatic Brain Injury.  Personally, I think it should be DTBI.  Devastating Traumatic Brain Injury. 

It's not good TV when it's your child who might not awaken.  When your child - your vibrant, bubbly, full of life teenager - is lying motionless and swollen in ICU hooked up to machines and iv's fighting for their life.  When you child doesn't awaken the next day - when she takes 29 days to open her eyes that no longer function together but wander independently unable to focus.  When your child is no longer who she was and has to fight regain every skill ever learned beginning with learning to breathe on her own.  It doesn't take a day - it takes months - years for some - and for some it never comes.


"I took care of her.", He says.
"Yes.  Yes.  Thank You Jesus.  Thank you."

Adventures in the Kitchen with - COOKIES !

It was quiet time again for me.  The husband and the son were off to work and I headed to the kitchen to make...  a mess ?  No, silly - that wasn't my intention even though I did manage to just about squish all the icing I was piping out the wrong end of the bag.  Oh my.  After a quick save - mind you, I didn't stop piping until I finished the cookie and I had icing all over my arm - this is the result.

I liked the randomness of this one !  I think next time though, I'll let the pink dry a lot longer before I add the white so that it will sit on top of the pink rather than blend in.

This one is for the boys !  It's my attempt at camouflage.  I know, there should be brown or black in there too but I didn't have any paste coloring for those colors.

Snowed in...

Well, here we are - the second big snow of the year.  Being a stay at home mom - I stayed home.  The husband and the son trudged off to work and I enjoyed a nice quiet day.  Nice quiet days around here mean that I can work on one of my many "projects" that I always seem to enjoy.  I've always enjoyed being a rather crafty person - rubber stamping, scrapbooking, and puppet making are just a few of my many endeavors.

Today it was cookie day !  Baby J will be turning the big 2 this month and I'm making cookie topped cupcakes and a smash cake just for her.  One of my fascinations is baking.  I enjoy baking lots of yummies for my family and they always appreciate them.  I've always loved all the fancy decorated cakes and cookies but never attempted to make them.  I just figured that because they were so pricey they must be difficult.  I've since learned that you just need the right recipes and a little patience.  I'll share a few pictures with you.  Keep in mind, my piping of the frosting isn't perfect - I tried using a store bought icing for the white outline.  For the final project I will just use a thick version of the glossy homemade frosting.  I have the tools I need for the piping so I think it will turn out much better homemade.

I'll share a picture with you of my first try at the cookie cupcakes.  These are just decorated with sprinkles.

Waiting on good news ...

So, today just might be a milestone for me.  This is CT scan number, oh shoot - I can't remember.  Number 4 or 5.  Yes, I've had so many of them I have lost track of them. 

Usually, I take oldest girly girl with me.  She's a good companion for this sort of thing.  Even though she tires of sitting and waiting - she understands the waiting part.  She talks with me, oogles magazines with me, and just generally keeps my mind off of the IV that is coming my way and the cocktail of chalky metallic goo I have to drink.  This time however, the weather had other plans.  Ice, snow, and/or a mixture of the two were in the forecast today.  She has a long drive and so the husband got to go with me this time. 

I don't usually take him - he makes me rather nervous.  I know he doesn't do it on purpose but he tends to do little things that just aren't much comfort.  Today, I gave him instructions.  No sleeping - you'll snore and there are lots of nervous people just like me in the waiting room that won't be comforted by you sleeping so soundly you snore.  No worried glances and fussing over me.  That doesn't help.  It makes me anxious.  He did well for the most part.  I'm sure he napped while I was in getting the scan but hey, I didn't know now did I ? 

I did ok.  This week, I didn't worry until the day before.  I didn't get anxious until then and managed to keep it off of my mind up until then.  However, once I was anxious I had a hard time letting it pass.  This scan is a monumental one of sorts.  If this one is "clean" then I don't have to get another one for a year.  Then I can stop living 6 months to 6 months - I can begin to live yearly.  I'm not sure how to explain that any other way. 

Last night, I took comfort in my Jesus.  I found comfort in reading my Bible and praying.  I pray and hope for good results - for myself and for all those who share that day with me as lots of them are there for the same reason I am.  Most of all, I ask for comfort - for peace to know everything is a part of His plan.  I really needed it today but I didn't know how much until things began to unfold in the CT waiting room. 

When we came in - there were only a few people waiting.  An older gentleman, a woman about my age, and a young 20 something man.  The older gentleman was rather fidgety.  He had his cocktail of goo and was not at all pleased about drinking it.  He must have shifted from chair to chair 10 times in the 30 minutes I was paying some sort of attention.  The woman my age was sweet and comforted the young man - "it's all nasty but you have to drink it so that they can get a good picture of your stomach and intestines, drink lots of water to flush it out of your system after your done."  I would later overhear her say that she was a nurse at the hospital.  About 30 minutes into my wait - (you have to drink your cocktail and then wait an hour and a half for it to work through your insides so that you can "glow in the dark") - a group of elderly, rather noisy and jolly, people came in.  Odd, I thought.  Most people come alone or with one other person.  They were having quite the conversation, not that I was eavesdropping, you just couldn't help but hear the noise of it.  What I did notice was that the 700 club was on the TV.  I glanced off and on and even thought about turning the channel.  As I thought about it, the group of elderly people bowed their heads to pray.  Out of respect and in agreement I bowed my head in prayer with them.  It was as if God whispered in my ear - "remember Me, I'm here with all of you."  Comfort had arrived.  I spent the rest of my time off and on in prayer.  I now, understood the "group" although, I didn't understand the urgency of their prayer at the time.  One of the men was called back and his wife, I assume, went with him.  It's not really anything you pay attention to - they call a name out and everyone looks up just out of a sort of silent acknowledgement.   She returned a while later and I learned the urgency and was reminded of my Father's mercy all at the same time.  Her husband, was not there only for one test, but for a series of tests and a biopsy.  They had discovered a large mass on his lung and his news today was not good news.  The friends she was with were now in comfort mode and each one listened as she told of the "mass".  She was calm at first, then the tears came.  I quietly prayed for him, for her, for the friends.  I felt selfish and unwise.  I went in with the attitude and expectation that good news would come but that is not the case for everyone. 

I don't have the words to explain the feelings.  I felt sorrow for their bad news, pain for a wife who was facing the loss of the man she loved, pain for the friends, and yet, comfort knowing that God is merciful and peace knowing His plan is best.  I felt selfishly anxious for myself - what if my results on Friday are not good ?  I took comfort in knowing once again, God's plan is best.