So, today just might be a milestone for me. This is CT scan number, oh shoot - I can't remember. Number 4 or 5. Yes, I've had so many of them I have lost track of them.
Usually, I take oldest girly girl with me. She's a good companion for this sort of thing. Even though she tires of sitting and waiting - she understands the waiting part. She talks with me, oogles magazines with me, and just generally keeps my mind off of the IV that is coming my way and the cocktail of chalky metallic goo I have to drink. This time however, the weather had other plans. Ice, snow, and/or a mixture of the two were in the forecast today. She has a long drive and so the husband got to go with me this time.
I don't usually take him - he makes me rather nervous. I know he doesn't do it on purpose but he tends to do little things that just aren't much comfort. Today, I gave him instructions. No sleeping - you'll snore and there are lots of nervous people just like me in the waiting room that won't be comforted by you sleeping so soundly you snore. No worried glances and fussing over me. That doesn't help. It makes me anxious. He did well for the most part. I'm sure he napped while I was in getting the scan but hey, I didn't know now did I ?
I did ok. This week, I didn't worry until the day before. I didn't get anxious until then and managed to keep it off of my mind up until then. However, once I was anxious I had a hard time letting it pass. This scan is a monumental one of sorts. If this one is "clean" then I don't have to get another one for a year. Then I can stop living 6 months to 6 months - I can begin to live yearly. I'm not sure how to explain that any other way.
Last night, I took comfort in my Jesus. I found comfort in reading my Bible and praying. I pray and hope for good results - for myself and for all those who share that day with me as lots of them are there for the same reason I am. Most of all, I ask for comfort - for peace to know everything is a part of His plan. I really needed it today but I didn't know how much until things began to unfold in the CT waiting room.
When we came in - there were only a few people waiting. An older gentleman, a woman about my age, and a young 20 something man. The older gentleman was rather fidgety. He had his cocktail of goo and was not at all pleased about drinking it. He must have shifted from chair to chair 10 times in the 30 minutes I was paying some sort of attention. The woman my age was sweet and comforted the young man - "it's all nasty but you have to drink it so that they can get a good picture of your stomach and intestines, drink lots of water to flush it out of your system after your done." I would later overhear her say that she was a nurse at the hospital. About 30 minutes into my wait - (you have to drink your cocktail and then wait an hour and a half for it to work through your insides so that you can "glow in the dark") - a group of elderly, rather noisy and jolly, people came in. Odd, I thought. Most people come alone or with one other person. They were having quite the conversation, not that I was eavesdropping, you just couldn't help but hear the noise of it. What I did notice was that the 700 club was on the TV. I glanced off and on and even thought about turning the channel. As I thought about it, the group of elderly people bowed their heads to pray. Out of respect and in agreement I bowed my head in prayer with them. It was as if God whispered in my ear - "remember Me, I'm here with all of you." Comfort had arrived. I spent the rest of my time off and on in prayer. I now, understood the "group" although, I didn't understand the urgency of their prayer at the time. One of the men was called back and his wife, I assume, went with him. It's not really anything you pay attention to - they call a name out and everyone looks up just out of a sort of silent acknowledgement. She returned a while later and I learned the urgency and was reminded of my Father's mercy all at the same time. Her husband, was not there only for one test, but for a series of tests and a biopsy. They had discovered a large mass on his lung and his news today was not good news. The friends she was with were now in comfort mode and each one listened as she told of the "mass". She was calm at first, then the tears came. I quietly prayed for him, for her, for the friends. I felt selfish and unwise. I went in with the attitude and expectation that good news would come but that is not the case for everyone.
I don't have the words to explain the feelings. I felt sorrow for their bad news, pain for a wife who was facing the loss of the man she loved, pain for the friends, and yet, comfort knowing that God is merciful and peace knowing His plan is best. I felt selfishly anxious for myself - what if my results on Friday are not good ? I took comfort in knowing once again, God's plan is best.
