It's almost that time again...

9 days and it will be time for my next CT scan.  I'm not feeling so anxious about the results - this is scan #4 and the others have come back clean.  I am anxious about the IV and contrast dye part of the whole thing.  On top of all that - I get to have a chest x-ray too.  Yippee - I say dripping with sarcasm.  I really don't like to talk about this whole "cancer" thing.  See, if I don't talk about it then it doesn't have any power.  Yeah, that's my theory.  Hey, works for me - sometimes.

Having cancer without insurance is a humbling experience to say the least.  When I first learned I had cancer and needed surgery I spoke with a lovely woman about the "billing" part of the whole thing.  I explained to her that no, we don't have any health insurance.  She explained to me that this was a major surgery and would cost over $20,000.  Then she asked me - "And how did you plan on paying for a surgery without insurance?".  I can't remember my exact words but I'm pretty sure it was something like "I didn't plan on getting cancer in the first place.  I didn't plan on my child being in a car accident and spending months away at a hospital in another state.  I didn't plan on our house burning down.  I don't think even the best planning would have prepared me for any of this.". 

This is the other side to me dreading my CT scan.  I have one every six months.  Every six months I sit before someone and explain that I don't have thousands of dollars with me to pay for a scan that costs anywhere between $3000 and $7000.  I explain that yes, I have applied for medicaid but don't qualify.  I'm not old enough, sick enough, or whatever it takes enough to qualify.  It's very scary because I know I need these tests but I wonder - will they someday say to me - "I'm sorry, we can't do the testing your doctor ordered unless you have the money to pay for it.".  Will it be this time?

Those are the negatives in my cancer journey.  There have been lots of positives.  Thanks to my oldest girly girl I ended up being treated at Kansas Cancer Center.  I had 6 chemo treatments of Carboplatin and Taxol that the drug companies didn't charge me for.  I had 6 shots of neulasta - shots that cost $5000 + per shot.  I had doctor visit after doctor visit.  In the end the bill left to be paid was only $12,300.  About 6 months ago I got a letter in the mail that said because I was in a hardship they would write off $12,000 of the bill and I could make payments of $20 a month to pay the remainder of the bill.  Who does that ?  They did.  My oncologist visit it around $250 a visit every six months and every visit he writes off all but $30 of that charge.  I am very grateful - God has taken good care of me and I pray he blesses every doctor and nurse at the cancer center.  They have been wonderful to me.  Even though I see them only every six months now - they know me when I walk in the door.  They treat everyone of their patients like that.  I am very blessed.

I might share some more of my journey with cancer at a later time.  For now, this is about all I can share.  I don't talk about it much.  If I ignore it, then I don't have to think about it and if I don't think about it then it won't return.

Too much for one person to handle...

I was supposed to be headed off to bed tonight but I find myself unable to talk myself into laying down just yet.  I'm gonna be human for a minute and just lay out tonight's struggle here for everyone to see.  I struggle with the "fairness" of things.  I struggle with why it seems like some people have more than their share of hurts, struggles, and pain in life.  I know God loves us all the same - I know He does and yet, in my human-ness I don't always "feel" loved the same.  I really struggle with feeling this way and feel guilty for even going there.  Right now I'm ready to pack this blog up and toss it in the trash can because I feel ashamed of myself.  I don't think that's the lesson though.  The Bible tells me - God works all things for the good of those who love Him.  In the midst of this suffering I think I just am unable to see the good through the tears - through the heartache - through the pain.  Just because I am unable to feel it or see it - doesn't make it so.  That's the lesson, I think.  For me anyway - just because I don't see it doesn't mean it's true.  What is true is God loves us and no matter what we struggle with - we are never alone - He is right there with us even if He doesn't take our struggle away immediately, provide us with a miracle, or relieve the suffering for whatever reason.  He is there.

A couple more projects...

This is the Father's Day card I gave to my Dad this year.  It isn't my design, but it doesn't exactly match the one at Verve Stamps gallery either.  The words aren't stamped, I printed it all on my computer.  I'm not a big fan of word stamps because I can pretty print out whatever I need. 

This is a nifty little gift card holder I made for my sister's Target gift card.  I didn't have any little Velcro dots to keep the flap down so I used a flower paper clip to keep it closed.  This is a very quick project - it doesn't take much paper at all and it really dresses up your gift card !

An unusual holiday for me...

Today was not the usual July 4th for me.  No family, no food, no fireworks.  Just quiet.  I wandered from the kitchen, to the living room, to the dining room, to the bathroom all day.  Doing dishes, cleaning, watching TV, and lurking around the net all day.  No husband, no son, no daughters, no grandchildren.  Just me and God for most of the day.  I'd like to say I spent it enjoying the quiet - but I didn't.  I just kind of wandered around the house.  Strange.  It was just strange. 

The July 4ths of my childhood days were a holiday that my family enjoyed.  I recall cookouts, fireworks, mom and dad sitting outside in their lawn chairs, and the garden hose close by for anything we might accidentally light on fire.  Dad was always careful - he taught us many valuable lessons about being safe. 

Safety wasn't exactly my thing - this comes from a girl who managed to get stitches 3 times.  It would have been 4, but I learned that if you cry crocodile tears at dad and mom isn't home then you can get out of it.  It's funny the things I can recall so clearly.  I remember being mad at dad because I had to stop my fun and go inside and fill his glass of tea.  I stomped up the steps, only in my anger, I managed to miss one and down I went with his glass.  It broke and cut my forehead in two places.  I knew when it didn't stop bleeding that I was in for stitches.  I also knew that because it was my head that meant I wasn't getting anything to numb it from the time before when I got stitches.  I cried and begged.  Then I begged some more.  Dad just kept pressure on it and bandaged me up.  No stitches - whew !

I remember the July 4th when a tiny little rocket - no bigger than my pinkie - set the pasture on fire.  We filled buckets with a hose - my brother climbed the fence - my dad passed buckets and we managed to put the fire out.  There were no more tiny rockets that went flying from our collection of fireworks after that. 

July 4th seemed to be the one holiday that we got to stay home - no traveling to relatives houses to celebrate.  We lived in corn country - Nebraska - and all of our relatives were at least a state away.  Other holidays we traveled but I don't recall doing that for this holiday.  Mom and Dad would sit in their lawn chairs and my brother and I would light what night works we could manage to save for the event.  My brother loved all the pop and bang ones.  I preferred the pretty ones.  I may have been quite the tomboy - never met a tree I didn't climb - but I was still a girl.  The higher the fountain - the better !  Not only that but it had been my experience that pop and bang fireworks placed in a metal trashcan could go off too quickly and cause one to not hear so well.  Of course, I didn't tell anyone because that would mean a trip to the doctor.  For whatever reason, I was scared to death of the doctor.  Doctors meant needles and needles meant ouch for me.  I wonder if my mom ever realized just how frightened I was ?

Projects

So I've had a few projects in the works for a while now but I thought I would get some pic's up and show you what all I have been working on. 

This is a nifty little project that I found on Splitcoaststampers website.  It begins as this cute little box and opens up to become a nifty little gift card holder - complete with greeting cards, note cards, tags, a place for stamps, and even an address book. 

 The original project was made out of double sided patterned heavy card stock.  I wasn't able to find that at the local craft supply store so I improvised.  I used creme colored heavy card stock and bought 3 different patterns of regular patterned paper.  It would have been so much less cutting had I been able to get the right card stock - but I think it turned out well anyway.

These are regular size greeting cards I made to match.  I used the leftover scraps of patterned paper and two sheets of the creme colored heavy card stock to make these.  The stickers are some that had been lurking around my house for over two years now but the colors were perfect for this project - Bonus !

These are 3x3 cards perfect for attaching to a gift bag.

Reflections...

I'm in a kind of denial right now.  If I just don't think about it - then maybe, just maybe it will cease to be reality.  If I close my eyes long enough - it will disappear?  Right.  Didn't work for me when I was 5 and it sure doesn't seem to be working now.

God is working on me.  I am feeling my failures sting and linger.  I am impatient with my weakness.  I am unsure of  any ability I might have to overcome.  I am unaccustomed to this kind of of behavior.  I can only hope that in all of this - He is in control and knows exactly what I need and when.

I don't know this person I have become.  I am uncomfortable in my own skin.  Every bump in the road seems as if it is a mountain.  Every disappointment seems to be a heartbreak that will never mend.  I feel desperate for peace.  Grasping for a bit of Joy that is gone as quickly as it comes. 

What I don't feel is alone.  It doesn't matter how or what I feel - I know beyond any feeling or thing that happens that I am not alone.  Even though I am afraid and confused - what I know is that Father God is in control.